Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean
"Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean" is the ninth episode in the first season of The Venture Bros. Plot The Monarch has at long last captured Team Venture. Bound by ropes, they hang over the Amazon River, into which The Monarch prepares to lower them. He provides a loving description of the candirú that populate the waters when suddenly Dean begins to squirm and yelp in extreme pain. Dr. Venture spouts off a Guild of Calamitous Intent law stating that any captive that needs time to recuperate may do so, and insists that he and Dean be released to find out what's wrong. The Monarch agrees, but insists upon taking Hank as a prisoner to ensure Venture's return. Brock accompanies Hank to ensure his safety. Dean proves too shy and squeamish to allow Dr. Venture to examine him, so Venture enlists the aid of Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White. They soon conclude that Dean has been afflicted with testicular torsion, and Dean's testicles will die without immediate surgery. Then follows a harrowing sequence where Quizboy and White perform what appears to be a ludicrously haphazard operation: they accidentally drop one testicle on the floor, White skewers Billy's good hand with the scalpel, and both "doctors" take plenty of breaks. Dr. Venture enjoys a nice sandwich and drink as he nonchalantly sits back and watches television. Finally, the surgery is complete. As Dean lies on a couch, his entire crotch wrapped in bandages, he is subjected to a procession of well-wishers. Dr. White gives him an envelope his pubic hair (which Dean had proudly just grown), H.E.L.P.eR. gives him a melted ice pop, Dr. Orpheus presents him with a decorative fetish statue, and Triana merely asks if this is the most embarrasing day of his life. Dean affirms that is is. Meanwhile, The Monarch has been attempting to celebrate his birthday. Bad gifts from his henchmen and the presence of Hank, now wearing a loose-fitting henchman suit for lack of clean clothes, threaten to ruin the occasion. Ultimately, Brock gives The Monarch what he really wanted for his birthday: a genuine battle. Brock escapes from his cell and cuts a bloody path through The Monarch's cocoon base, slaughtering dozens of guards on the way, while The Monarch ecstatically watches everything via monitors while taunting Brock over the announcement system. Eventually, Brock captures Doctor Girlfriend (who is disappointed in Brock's lack of interest in raping her) and holds her hostage in The Monarch's throne room, demanding Hank in exchange; The Monarch refuses, claiming that Hank has joined forces with him. In the midst of all of this, a call from Dr. Venture comes in on the video screen to announce that Dean is back to normal. The combatants sheepishly attempt to pretend that nothing was going on, despite the plainly visible carnage. Soon it is a repeat of the first scene - the Monarch finally has Team Venture in his grasp, ready to be destroyed! Suddenly Hank begins to squirm and yelp in unbearable pain... At the very end of the show, Team Venture participates in a poorly-made public service announcement regarding testicular torsion. Their eyes very obviously track across the cue cards as they awkwardly read their lines. The boys, wearing protective helmets, join H.E.L.P.eR. in assuring the viewer that if he suspects that he has testicular torsion, he should "stop, touch, and tell!" Trivia *The title of this episode is a play on the book Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume. *The opening shot of the episode depicts Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine. *Doc Hammer wrote this episode, basing it off his own bout with testicular torsion. He has fully recovered. *While it seems like an urban legend, and Dr. Venture doesn't seem to believe in it, the candirú is an actual species of catfish that live in the Amazon River. And there are documented cases of exactly what The Monarch describes. *The Monarch's joke that he is Hank's father is an obvious reference to Darth Vader's revelation at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. *Henchmen 21 and 24 engage in another of their signature bizarre pop-culture arguments, this time over whether The Smurfs were mammals or egg-laying creatures. *When Dr. Venture calls Conjectural Technologies, Dr. White is apparently playing Grand Theft Auto III. *Pete White later mentions "that guy from INXS;" this is a reference to Michael Hutchence, who was found dead in November 1997 in a hotel room, hanging by his neck. Although never confirmed, his death was rumored to be an accidental product of autoerotic asphyxiation. *Dr. Venture's comment that he could have "fixed" Dean's testicular torsion in "the prototype stage" is considered to be one of the early hints that Dean and Hank are clones. *The website given at the end (scrotalsafetycommission.com) exists but is a fake website made by the show's creators. *The doll that Orpheus gives to Dean is a Zuni fetish doll from the movies Trilogy of Terror and Trilogy of Terror 2. Category:The Venture Bros. episodes